**Warning: LONG Post**

(Today is July 18th. I’ve been trying to write this post since we came home from our camping trip on July 2nd. So many good things have happened. It’s in moments like right now were I struggle to remember I have a brain injury that changes how my everyday functions. I’m never sure what the day will entail, and can I be flexible with myself? It’s always a struggle. So I’m sorry for how long this post is, and hopefully there is fluidity to it. But if not, welcome to my brain. )

My sister, her husband and daughter, and my dad came up June 23, to spend time with me and to have a memorial for my mom.

I’m pretty sure I mentioned it before, but just in case I didn’t, my mom passed away in Dec from dementia. But because of my injuries I was unable to make it to North Carolina and her mom, my grandma affectionately called G.G., lives here in Michigan. G.G. is not able to travel very well either, so in an act of incredible kindness, my family agreed to come up and do a memorial on June 26.

Which for me ended up being a multi-stressor. My dad flew up with my sister and her family. I haven’t seen him since my youngest was born 12 years ago. The trips my mom made up here over the 20+ years he stayed home to work so she could come visit.

As an adult, with kids, I am amazed at how many trips we made as kids from Pennsylvania to Michigan because of my grandpa’s heart issues. I am so thankful we were able to take those trips. There is a part of me that is saddened that Matt and I haven’t been able to take those long car rides with my kids. I loved the long car rides. We have made that trip from Michigan to North Carolina, but the kiddos were so little they don’t remember.

So back to the visit. Anticipation, such a build up for me. There is such a insecurity within me to see people who haven’t seen me since the accident. In my head, I forget how disabled I truly am. When I am writing or journaling, in my head, I forget how even writing, exhausts me. (I write such amazing, charming, and hilarious things in my head, that I never remember to write down.)

There was also the “service” for my mom, and we, my husband and I, scheduled a camping trip overlapping the family visit. Bad planning on my part. Too much emotional stuff. Of course overlapped with tiredness from not sleeping at home. Just too much…

Needless to say it was hard to see my dad for the first time since the accident. There was so much to say. Both ways. But I am so limited in how clear I am, and how long I can talk. Of course emotions, happy or sad, affect my ability to speak clearly. There’s been so much hurt between us, my parents and I. I have not always been this quite and sweet. 😁

I feel like we were able to just say we were sorry and were able to be understood by the other. So many times just because I think I’m being clear, does not mean I am. There was a moment, where I was trying to explain my idea of the line in the sand and what that moment meant for me.

So this has been a running theme in my walk with God. The line in the sand. Maybe you have at some point heard about how it is important in our lives. Repeated over and over again. Maybe you haven’t heard anything about it. Either way I will share what I am hoping will be the short thought.

Shortly after “waking up”, in the rehabilitation hospital, I had an impression that I was standing in a new beginning. I had crossed the “line in the sand”. My options were now mine to decide how I would deal with my life. There was a very, very clear pre and post. I was different than before. (Matt is pretty sure I had to be resuscitated at least once on my helicopter ride to Grand Rapids.) I didn’t understand that I was paralyzed. I had two very strong thoughts that I remember. I believe they were both God speaking to my heart and soul. Thought #1- I had crossed a line, where my past hurts from relationships would be in my past. I didn’t have to carry them, or take them out of my memory library. I couldn’t remember that I couldn’t remember, so no problem. And #2 other big impression, healing hurts.

I was on some pretty strong pain killers then, between that and my brain injury, I wasn’t feeling pain yet as pain. Brain injuries are interesting in that they aren’t the same in every patient. What heals for one person may take the next person years to recover from. Or, they may not recover at all. It’s all a mystery, until it heals.

I remember this one time in physical therapy…nope no jokes here, focus Heather. I was working on sitting on the edge of a mat table. I had just been approved for weight bearing on my pelvis. Once I was positioned the way they wanted, I tried to sit by “myself”. Just so you know I had no idea I couldn’t sit by myself. I remember thinking, if not trying to say, of course I can sit!?! Who Can’t sit? With one of the physical therapists behind my back and the other helping to hold me up, I sat for the count of 5. I remember how hard it was. Who knew sitting could be so hard.

I feel like the phrase “who knew… was so hard?” should be written on my forehead.

It felt wrong that they were so happy about a five count that brought me to tears. My body hurt from the very beginning of waking up my muscles. I was so tired and they were so happy I sat up for 1…2…3…4…5…

Healing hurts. That is true emotionally and physically. It’s just true, healing hurts.

Line in the sand moment. Sitting in my living room seeing my dad for the first time in years. Our lives had both changed so much. Being a parent of an adult child, 20 not too old, I see that like me, he is just human. We both have flaws and sometimes they will rub together. Creating friction, but that is the beauty of grace. We don’t need to be in the same “place” for me to say this is that line in the sand moment. Or to repeat the line in the sand moments.

I forgive you for the hurts of the past, because I need that for me to be healthy. Moving forward I will try to love you well. I will not let the past affect today.

Here’s the hard part, just because I went over the line doesn’t mean he did. (I am not saying he didn’t. Something definitely shifted in our relationship.) But I chose to forgive and cross that line and make an effort to love, without feeling like I’m being stepped on.

Matt and I daily have to do this. Not only do we have 3 busy kids at home, he is my husband and care giver. FYI in a long term healing journey, don’t ask your spouse to be your… everything. I see Matt, all he does that doesn’t have anything to do with me, I see him be disappointed with something that is unspoken. I love that man and how he has given up his life for me and our kids. ( 7/12 Yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment where this topic came up, coincidence I think not. I remember when I asked Matt to be my full time caregiver neither he, Matt, or I, had any idea what it would include. My doctor put it very well, during the 7/12 visit, in that, in the beginning of our recovery journey, Matt was willing to grab my coffee but after awhile want to help and be and do everything, begins to fade it becomes hard on both parties. I hate having to ask for help for something stupid like can I have more coffee when he is just sitting down after doing an hours worth of needs to do for me because I can’t. Sometimes he will ask me why didn’t I just ask. My answer…I hate to keep asking. )

So we did have some great times with my family, but it wasn’t what I was hoping for. It happens so quickly me forgetting I can’t just jump in the car and meet them downtown for coffee.

So, even before the memorial on June 26, I was already dealing with emotional junk. We packed up our camper to head out, but like any other trip, we didn’t leave when we were hoping to…

I got into the truck. Usually the last thing we do. I mean, I am not fast. And neither is the seat in the truck. We back up to hook up the trailer and the motor on the hitch that moves it up and down isn’t working. Lucky for us we have a large floor jack. And Matt has a friend he trusts when stuff like this happens. So after a few phone calls, a few recommendations Matt’s friend shows up. After more attempts of trying to get the motor working on the camper jack, they used the floor jack and got the camper on the truck hitch.

It was hours later when we got to the campsite. Thankfully Matt and his friends had set a time for a camping trip with them. It was dark when we arrived and with their help I was able to get in and sleep. Later than expected but earlier than it would have been without their help.

💕💕N & K THANK YOU!!!💕💕

So, that was Sunday night. The memorial for my mom was planned for the next day, but not until 2 in the afternoon. Which tends to be a pretty good time for us. It’s funny I heard one of the kids call it “Gavrilides” late. Which was usually 15 minutes late to every thing. It use to drive me crazy, so I would get up early to get kids ready, now I’m the one it takes so long to get ready. Plus I’m not sure all the American Gavrilides’ always run late and want us to project that stereotype. We can also add wheelchair time, because it really is a huge adjustment. And then my body went into revolt.

I don’t have any control over natural body functions…ok😒 I all of the sudden had to poop. I can’t believe I am admitting this to anyone, let alone every one. What should have taken a person with a functional brain maybe 10 minutes took almost an hour. And we were about 40 minuets drive away. Having already had a bowel resection for obstruction, we don’t mess around with that.(Sorry about the TMI.)

So we show up an hour and a half late. All because I had to poop. Walking, rolling into that room, many of my family I hadn’t seen in a while, made me sad. The tears wouldn’t come. The “service” was done in a room where we could sit in a circle. My sister and brother shared some beautiful things. As did my dad. I didn’t even try. I couldn’t. My uncle opened the floor so anyone could share stories about my mom.

It was so wonderful to see my mom from others eyes. To hear the impact she had on others. For the last almost 6 years my vision/awareness is totally who and what is right in front of me. I’m trying to crawl out of this hole, but it’s so hard. So, the hardship my mom’s illness caused to my dad and sister was far away.

I wasn’t a great phone person before the accident but now…it’s a work in progress.

Looking around at the faces of her family just healed part of my heart. Each person sitting in the circle had some story about my mom. They were there because they loved her.

We sang so songs that meant so much to her. Then we, dad, brother, sister, and brother-in-law left to spread her ashes. It was raining like crazy so I didn’t get out of the truck. I watched and prayed.

This photo is so beautiful to me. It had been raining pretty hard right up until this photo. This is my dad, brother, sister and her husband just before they spread my mom’s ashes.

My brother’s family was not able to come, but I was incredibly grateful to see him and the rest on my family. Being so far away from them is hard, so I am so thankful when they do come up.

This is a picture of my mom and I during her visit before our car accident in July 2017. This is the last visit I remember with my mom. She came up with my sister while I was in a coma in ICU, so I don’t remember that.

July 12

Wow! Camping really wiped my energy. We went camping from June 26-July 1. I started writing this with hopes of having at least 2 more posts done. Learning to be flexible with myself as been very difficult.

July 18th

Let’s try again to finish wrapping this post up. Tears didn’t come during her memorial service, but later that night when I spent some time just thinking about the service. Alone at bedtime, exhausted tired and camping. Great combo. Tuesday morning my bother offered to make pancakes. So again my family came to me. So grateful that they came to me. There is something beautiful in that act which I never fully appreciated before. Laying aside any inconveniences to go to and love on another. My pride wants to add more to that thought but I won’t give in.

So after running on an injured brain for too many days, I had to leave my family on their last full day to take a nap. It is not a good idea to sleep deprive an injured brain. I feel like I’ve said that a lot in this post, brain injury.

Maybe I am just finally allowing myself to admit it’s hard. If it was just an arm that hurt I could take some pain meds. But when your brain is dysfunctional …think about the last time you were so tired you laughed at anything stupid. It’s kind of like that but not as much fun. Balancing between NEEDS and WANTS is really hard when your are exhausted. And the computer running you body shuts down.

So, I unfortunately slept away the final hours of my family visit time. That definitely made me sad.

They next few days were great. And very relaxing. Well for me anyway. Let me fill you in on some other things going on here. Including a rain storm and the explanation of this picture…

♡TeamGavrilides ♡TBI Survivor ♡Faith to walk in the middle ♡Seed of Hope