Sunday April 16

I am hoping that this post will be less heavy than the last few have been, for me, anyway. I am starting this post with a little lighter heart. Well…as far as our lives go. Our little bit of Michigan lost another incredible woman of God to cancer. Please pray for her family and friends. I hate what the diseases of the world do to us.

I started, a much needed therapy last week, but pride stopped me. I call it talk therapy. I notice when I write I “feel” better. I had gotten into some very deep ruts in my path. For the most part of my 5 years in this new lifestyle, I only speak to my husband, kids, and therapists. Unfortunately, most of the conversations are related to injury or necessary discussions. The hardest part was when my small groups fell apart, I missed that outlet of having a relationship with people because they wanted to be around me.

I have spent 5 years trying not to be the focus of everyone’s attention. When I thought I was being loving, I was creating unhappiness in my own heart and mind. Man, even writing it out makes me want to restart this whole blog. I see my husband stressed out, over worked, and feeling unseen. But I do see him.

I have related it in my head to being a mom with lots of littles. Granted none of them were a 43-year-old, whose butt I needed to wipe. Ugg, sorry if that was TMI (too much information). I remember those days of just feeling unseen but very much needed. It was for this very reason I got involved in moms’ groups and Bible studies until Matt would ask me to just let something go. I’m a social butterfly, so this new life of relying on others for something as stupid as coffee has been hard for me.

Anyway, talk therapy has helped me just say to someone else I just need to be heard. It has also reminded me that my hope with this blog was to express some hope and not negativity. With that thought in mind and with a lighter heart, I went with the family to a softball game on Friday.

When you have brain issues, you need to be aware of how you respond to different situations. Not sure if that made any sense…hopefully I can help explain that sentence.

Sunday April 23

This is often how I end up writing my posts. In my head, often over the course of several days. Not usually taking this long.

The picture was taken at my oldest daughter’s softball game. It was on the evening of my first “talking” therapy session. I was very excited to go watch her play. I haven’t seen her play a lot of sports this year. I am more physically able to go places now. I am definitely stronger, but, because of my needing a wheel chair the weather often decides if I go places or not. Plus COVID didn’t help, making it super easy for me just to stay home.

Speaking my desire to get out of the house is super hard for me. After my “talk” therapy session, I decided that I would ask to go to more things, even if it is just picking up kids from practice. I was positive that I hit a new point and it was only going to get better. It didn’t last.

I’m not even sure how it happened. There is this crazy line I walk now. I thought this whole thought process would be a post all by itself. But since it seems to be a recurring thought lately, so here we go…

My very, very dear friend who went Home to heaven in January 2017, use to talk about this with me often. Walking the line. How hard it was to live in the world but not of the world. I probably won’t do her thoughts justice.

****I’m going to try and relate my situation into this thought. It has been something I think about daily. Sorry to make it about me. Wait it’s my blog…sorry not sorry.****

Tuesday April 25

It’s helpful to me to write the date so I can share how long it takes me to get some of this stuff out. But to be honest, it’s hard for me to have to face that it truly takes me longer to write, and I have to be careful not to get too emotional. I often think that because I used to… I should be able to…

So in my head it shapes up like this…

And how does the match up with my friends thoughts? I am, maybe for the first time, going to un-spiritualize my friends thought for a brief moment. Usually, I am the first one to over-spiritualize things in my life.

She would often talk about how hard it was to walk a balanced faith life. Reaching out to those who are hurt or haven’t had a life changing encounter with God. Let’s just say that is the left side or pre-accident Heather. I know the thoughts, good or bad, that I had pre accident. I remember what it was like to take a shower by myself. To wake up, get up, get ready for the day and drive myself places.

But I was in an accident, that caused life changing injuries. I can’t live in denial of that, it never turns out well. I am pretty sure I’ve mentioned it to you before. It amazes me how unaware I have been in regards to my injuries.

I think I have shared this too, so skip if I have…I have a brain injury and need a little grace. It helps me to make jokes about myself if you haven’t noticed. It helps me not take myself so extremely seriously.

When I was an in-patent at the rehabilitation hospital, Mary Free Bed, I would try and talk to anyone that would give me attention. I really didn’t know about the dysarthria, or lack of strength in my mouth and tongue. So I would try and answer questions or make a request, not only could I not make sounds that sounded anything like words, I spoke non words very, very quietly. I remember asking Matt if I was speaking Greek, because no one understood me. Which is mostly funny because his family is from Greece. He has family that does speak Greek. So I didn’t know I couldn’t speak English. I didn’t know I couldn’t speak at all. A lot which I am often in awe about because it often is something I thought I was capable until that very moment. I live in a circle of thinking I can, realizing I was wrong, then coming back to know that I know I can until I try and realize I can’t.

Coming back to the image above. Completing the circle for a moment. Living in the past or left side of that image is harmful because I am not in that “lane” or column currently. I have to accept that life is different now. I can enjoy the memories but I have to live in my wheelchair. For now…and that is the other side of the image.

I can do things now that the medical community wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to do. I can sit up all by myself. That sounds pretty funny when I write that way, but I remember having physical therapy as an in-patient, sitting on the mat table, and my therapist being excited about me sitting up for a 5 count. I remember how much it hurt. I cried. It hurt and was so very, very hard.

All that to remind me that nobody knows how far I can go in my recovery.

So, with that thought in place, if I don’t get any better, and I’m not quitting just trying to ground my imaginations. If I don’t get any better and not able to walk but am alive and able to annoy my family, I need to be ok with that. Continue trying but finding a content-ness with where I am. Hoping for more but being ok with here.

So walking in the middle is my goal. Not being swayed by my emotions. Not looking longingly into the past or imagining how awesome I will be in another few years, but finding contentment in the wheelchair and continuing to put in the work. Even if it takes me 3 weeks to get my thoughts out of my head. So my dear friend I think about our conversations almost every day as I wrestle with my injuries and again I’m sorry for not doing more justice to our conversations.

I designed a new shirt. I am having too much fun playing with creating new things. I think it’s because I can’t sew right now. Lucky for you. If you want to check it out click the link. Otherwise THANK YOU for strolling down the middle with me today!

https://immeasurablelove.printify.me/product/430171/womens-short-sleeve-shirt

♡TeamGavrilides ♡TBI Survivor ♡Faith to walk in the middle ♡Seed of Hope