I am going to take a minute to do what the blog was created to do. Update on healing.

It feels like forever since I wrote an update post. Therapy is going really well. I will get caught off guard when I can do something that hadn’t been able to do before. I do have to admit I haven’t been as diligent in keeping track of all the advancements I’ve made. I have a very wise therapist that suggested I keep a running list. I have to admit that is a really great idea.

In my last journal I would write those positive advances in a different color pen. At the end of 2022 I was throwing away pen after pen, because I had used up the ink. We have a ton of black and blue colors, but I finally wrote myself out of a lot, I mean a lot of empty colored pens. So I had stopped writing the new, fun things, that were happening in therapy. There are days where even that reminder wouldn’t be enough. Here is a story from one of those days.

To be fair to Matt, he takes such good care of me most everyday that I forget I am paralyzed. I often feel tricked by Matt and my therapists. I understand that in order to keep pressing on, I have to be able to feel what is like to use the limb, or roll over. This was one of the mornings where I was feeling that feeling of being lied to.

Most nights in my dreams I am “normal”. I have had dreams about playing my guitar or keyboard. The guitar dream was interesting because in my dream I made a point of showing someone else how I could raise my left arm. Able to make chords by moving my fingers. I can not begin to tell you how weird it is to wake up being sure you can do something only to find out I can’t do the thing.

Because I can’t do much without help or effort it doesn’t take much for my day to get disrupted. It happened the week following my birthday. Some morning right around January 30th. I, as usual, woke up right around 7am. I have always been a morning-ish person who doesn’t love laying in bed. When I wake up, I’m ready for coffee and to start my day.

Unfortunately, my husband is not a wake up and go person. Never has been. There have been mornings where he missed fishing because he is just a night person. Before the accident I was able to work around that by doing what I wanted. But those days are gone.

The mornings where the crazies taken over in our house are mornings where I woke up grumpy. Or for what ever reason I didn’t sleep well the night before. And really, our ugly feeds off of each other. I tend to be more of a push over. Eye roll, I know for anyone who knows me. Because I have to be reliant of care, I struggle to push for what I want.

This particular morning I could have just been frustrated because I woke up from a dream where I could talk to be awakened to find out I can’t. When I tried to wake Matt up for therapy, he probably just mumbled and rolled over. He may have asked for “5 more minutes”. It could have been anything. I started to get angry he wasn’t getting up.

I don’t remember. It probably doesn’t mean anything anyway. The way I responded is really the only thing I can control. But on this morning the angry makes me not care what his excuse is. I know that I can get myself at the very least sitting on the side of the bed. I am sure that at this point we were arguing. Or what we do now, where I cry because no matter how hard I try to tell him what I want or why I’m upset I can’t make myself clear enough and he talks at me. Because at this point we wouldn’t be listening to each other if I could talk back. The fact that I can’t speak just adds fuel to the frustration that makes me cry and not be able to talk. It is this horrible cycle I get stuck in.

Laying back, even in our adjustable bed sometimes causes me to have to force my voice out. It’s super hard to clear my voice and make mouth words. Adding to the horrible things I am screaming at me in my head.

The other crazy things that happen to me. I often have to pee really bed and I always, always wake up hungry. Just a few more things to add to whatever my problem was that morning. But I have learned if I have to pee and Matt wakes up, even a little grumpy, I cannot get my brain to remember how to even pee.

But on this particular day, I decided that since I had almost rolled over and sat up by myself, I would try again. Matt often tells me that I’m so much stronger when I’m angry. Well, in my anger I was able to roll onto my left side. Something I had not realized I could do until that moment.

Of course, in my anger I just kept talking at him and him at me. I could say whatever I wanted and he couldn’t understand me. Which is not good for either of us.

I was able to roll over but I was not able to sit up. Somehow in my fit of rage I had ended up back on my back but no longer in a place where I was able to use the bed to sit up. I had repositioned myself in a bad way. Just in an awkward place.

We were still fighting. In the awesomeness of my injuries, all the moving, but not in a way that was helpful to Matt or myself, continuing the crazy ride that we found ourselves on.

So often I feel that I am not really seen or heard. What has often happen is I have the thought that I have no control over my life. Not even enough to get help when I am screaming for help. I think because Matt and I spend so much time together we work on assumptions. For example çshe thought the last time we argued about_____.” For me, my assumptions don’t come from my history with Matt, just my own history. So, I often read any text he sends me as angry and annoyed. Which often leads to my sending him angry texts back, when he hadn’t sent his in anger.

Needless to say it leads to long nights and rough mornings. I really hate that we can’t just talk about anything without me getting all emotional and hopping onto the craziness ride. Because I cry and make a much bigger deal about things than what is actually reality. This ride could take days or weeks.

Our “love languages” are so different I daily miss the way he loves me. He is for sure an acts of service guy and well…I kind of suck at this right now. What I think might show him that I love him often get skewed by my frustration and anger. Reminding me of how very much I need him.

He thinks I don’t appreciate him because I don’t show it well. But I am so grateful to have him. I need to figure out how to show him so we can get off the crazy ride forever. So often when I see him just helping me I fall so much more in love with him, which is why I really really want off this ride. I hope to find a way to get kicked out and banned from the whole craziness theme park forever.

Having communication issues makes relationships harder. But getting mad at myself because I can’t tell him what’s really bothering me makes it worse. I have spent our entire lives helping mend the areas that now just create hurt, frustration, or anger. A people pleaser and bridge maker I have been my whole life, but now I just feel lost.

Needless to say it took hours before we were able to work things out. My heart is so heavy for how I treat him on those days. I am so sorry for the words spoken in anger and for being so stubborn on these days.

Totally off topic…my therapy is going very well. I have a new OT. Which I really enjoy. She has brought some great new ways to do therapy on my left side. I am still not playing my guitar but hoping some day…I continue to have conversations with friends that surprises me. Being understood still surprises me. That was phrase I thought I would never say. But again, I never planned on this being my life.

Walking, and physical therapy is going well. I write that and feel a little like I’m lying. On one hand there are things about walking that are improving but mornings like the one I shared remind me I am still paralyzed.

I have seen a new PT a few times when we have had to reschedule appointments. While nervous when working with her, just because she’s new, I am thankful for the new eyes to my recovery. We have been working on some variations of things I work on with my normal PTs.

I am fully aware that I am injured and I need help to do the unfun stuff. I am so grateful for Matt. More than I have words for. I could not do this recovery without him. I pray we are done with the craziness ride. Hopefully I can remember to get some video next week.

♡TeamGavrilides ♡TBI Survivor ♡Faith to walk in the middle ♡Seed of Hope

Just to be corny I’ll add this picture and link so if you would like to be reminded of how great is the love of God for you, you can pick up something that works as a reminder for you. I can’t wait for my mug to get here! https://immeasurablelove.printify.me/products