This post is going to be just a little diffrent than what I normally share. I’ve tried so many times over the years to share the stirrings of my heart, unsuccessfully. So here I sit, trying once again to share the stirring I feel within my heart.

My mind is all over the place with excited thoughts but, there is more in my mind than the excitment…fear, of making a fool of myself. I remind myself that even if I do make a fool of myself, you probably won’t remember when I meet you in person…or so I hope.

There are so many layers to each thought I’m going to try and explaine. If I miss something and I’m sure I will, the chance is I will get back to that thought or idea before too long. It’s kinda how my brain works, circles and more circles.

Much of what I’m sharing today was a concept the God slowly taught me after I came home. So, 7 years roughly. I struggled with being a new “broken” person. Before the accident I was an active, working, serving in all areas adult…now I couldn’t talk, walk, let alone work or serve anyone.

As a mother of 4, I was constantly taking care of, making food for, driving, talking with my kids. The summer of 2017, I was taking a collage class to equipt me to be an assistant teacher in a preschool classroom. Again, serving and loving. There really was something about looking into those faces and just being with them, in the moment they were in. Something happy, sometimes sad, and sometimes very frustrating.

Needless to say I was a busy woman. I choose to be. I love activity. I was raised in a family of 4 but when I meet Matt we would go to his mom’s house, which was busy, as she then had 2 in high school and one in middle. I loved the busyness of the house. I loved just being able to be a “fly on the wall”. That’s what I use to say anyway.

So, I went from a full busy life to a complete standstill. Really, much like 2020. COVID did for the world around me what the accident had done to me. I was lost and hurting. Honestly, my only real goal in life has been to “stop for the one”. (Heidi Baker) And no matter who was the one, I couldn’t DO anything. I couldn’t pray out loud, I couldn’t get a glass of water or wipe a tear…I felt useless. It still suprises me how often these thoughts, lies really, still come back to show their ugly face.

I was doing a virtual Bible study with some of my extended family when this visual begain to form. I can’t remember right this moment, brain injury 😊, what the study was even about. This idea became so real and so big it kinda took over. Although, I’m sure it was direced by the study.

God begain to teach me about how He loved me, when I was 18. I had moved 18 hours away from my parents and moved in to my aunt and uncle’s home. I started going with them to their church, which was just diffrent from the one I’d grown up in. My aunt and uncle have 3 children right around my age, so I was able to get involved with friends and groups that were just diffrent for me. But that was when I started to learn how much God loves ME.

I don’t know about you, but I have often see how God loves others, but didn’t see that in my own life. I also had a misguided view of the trinity of God. Here’s the break down I had at 17/18 years old…

God the Father-maker of the rules, a very hard God to know because He’s always angry with me. He had all these rules He knew I couldn’t follow but required me to follow them anyway. And I might be able to DO enough to earn His love eventually, if I was lucky. He was so big and so busy He didn’t have time for me, that’s why He sent Jesus.

God the Son-the one who loves me. Like a brother.

God the Spirit-who?!?

Needless to say I wanted, no, needed more from God if I was going to live my life for Him. I needed real and tangible in my life.

No way did I live every moment for God after He started teaching me about His love. I still don’t. Have you ever seen a mute, handicapped person throw a fit of frustration? It’s not pretty! I understand that life sucks here on earth. Because it does…it doesn’t mean every moment sucks. You can have years of suck-free time or you can have seconds of suck-free time. I have failed at responding to the seconds with love and have lashed out, only to have face my responses later. Not fun.

With that in mind, I’m going to share another part of my past. This is going to be weird, but I’m hoping by the grace of God this is not where I start sounding like a fool.

My juinor year of high school I work in a small restaurant that made a point of having some good southern items. One of the items I loved, living in North Carolina I was boombarded with vinigar BBQ, yuck, 🤢. The item I loved to make and eat was banana pudding. Homemade pudding with meringue on top. Yummy…

And here’s where it gets kinda weird…

God began to speak to me about being safe in His presence. Really safe…no condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:1). (There is much to talk about even within this statement. Maybe another post?)

What did that mean for me? I was feeling useless, lonely, very, very handicapped. I was use to serving not being served. Like most of us, had I seen someone in a physical situation as the one I’m currently in, I would want to serve/help. Need water? No, problem. Here have mine. You need a sandwich? Great, what kind? Grilled or not grilled? I just want to help, but life is so diffrent when you are the one needing to ask for help.

Ouch…that statment hurt as I was writing it. Pride…pride so many times this stupid human condition trips me up.

Returning to God’s love after feeling so sinful is hard. That is where ths gets pretty crazy. God begain to teach me of characteristics of His love in ways that my human mind attributed to the banana pudding of my youth.

God is warm, and soft. He’s not “thin” but “thick”, fluffy. He surrounds my wholeness, not leaving one hair out. He is capable of hearing my anger and still loving me.

I had this idea of “falling” into His love, or pudding. Having the wounds of my soul covered with a healing balm, pudding. But also this pudding/love is so heavy/thick should I need to yell, scream, cuss, say hateful things TO Him I can. The words, feelings, hate has a place to get engulfed in and stuck, in His love. They don’t bounce back in my face. I get to feel and release the hurt. Because it’s warm and soft when I’m done throwing my fit He still loves me.

There is nothing I can say to Him that suprises Him. No pain, no hurt suprises Him, He really just needs me to know He loves me.

So, when I spend time in this pudding with God the anger is removed and taken away. I don’t know about you but often I just need to get things out. I just often talk to the wrong person at the wrong time. Really that’s why I’ve kept a journal. I just need a sounding page to move on. 😊

I hope this crazyness doesn’t keep you from reading my blog. In the last month I’ve had some amazing things happen! I continue to see God’s mighty hand in the healing of my injuries. But for as many great things as I have seen I’ve had some heart breaking moments, physical and mental exaustion. Which puts me in I want to write but I don’t have enough left in me to even think about it.

This idea of the banana pudding just keeps coming up again and again, and I haven’t written about it here, but was feeling the need to. So for this post I will leave you with the thought that there is no condemnation for those in Christ, so find your pudding time with God if you need to. There is so much freedom and healing found in that place. He can shoulder your feelings but you have to be willing to admit you have them…similar to having to admit that I can’t just get up by myself when I wake up and have to pee at 5 in the morning. I have to ask for help or I’m wet. (Nice visual right? Thought I’d finish off this post with something that happened this week. 🫣)

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ!

♡TeamGavrilides ♡TBI Survivor ♡Faith to walk in the middle ♡Seed of Hope