So, I know this will be a recurringing theme in my life…but really?!?

March 22,2025

After the last few posts I feel like I set myself up. What might look like a millimeter of growth to you feels like miles of growth to me. Last week, after pushing very hard in all areas of therapy, I ended the week walking with occupational therapy and Tammy. Which felt amazing! And I had the thought that maybe one day it would just be normal to be walking around stores again. We happened to be in Meijer, for non-Michigan residents it’s similar to Walmart, so we shopped for lotion, food then found ourselves in womens clothing. Big suprise, right? While there were two women with me, I stood, walked around a bit, and looked at diffrent things. I was struck by this diffrent perspective. I was able to look around the section of the store see the layout. My ”normal” field of vision is pretty much directly in front of me.

I broke my neck in the accident and have a bracket back there. Needless to say, as with anything neck wise, I have limited mobility in my neck. I am only able to move my head up, down a limited amount, and sideways…not much at all. So if someting is on the top 2 shelves, like the baking section, I might not see it. I forget how limited my field of vission is until I’m standing on my feet.

So being able to look over the clothing racks, just felt…awesome! And to be able to walk to the left or right a few feet without moving too far or being awkward because of the placement of my wheelchair…felt great!

I stood in the self-checkout, scanned my items and paid! So crazy…it just feels so good to be able to do stuff that should be so normal. My world has been pretty narrowed over the last 7 years. It brings me so much hope for the future.

But then I have a day where my brain is everywhere all at once. Or just mush. This last Monday my brain was so mushy. I’m not even sure that those are good words to describe how weird it is when my brain is just tired.

Over the weekend I had some crazy bad nerve pain. I have constant nerve pain. I often describe as white noise in my head. It’s always there, but most days it is just a background “noise” in my brain. I can go about daily functions with this white noise in my brain. But once in a while the white noise gets so loud it’s more like rage or scream rock music and I become more aware that my nerves are trying to tell my brain my leg hurts. No matter how long I look or try and do some touch exercises to refocus, the “pain”, it won’t go away. Last weekend was very painful. So, bad in fact, I wore leggings and my sleeping, stretching boot (from Mary Free Bed hospital). Just to try and use some known pain and confine the feeling. It didn’t work.

Saturday was a beautiful 70 degrees. So I insisted on open windows, but apparently Michigan had a super bad air quality day. My sinuses took a huge hit! I bought a huge box of tissue on Friday, thinking it’s spring we will need these in the weeks to come. Unfortunately, the box is empty now. 🤧

So, making all the excuses, the nerve pain, dust in the air, and just a tired brain, Monday was hard.

I’ve been having some personal issuses with some of my #TeamGavrilides team, and there was something that came up Monday on top of my physical junk. I had a moment, putting on my makeup, where I was ready to quit hiding that everything was ok. I was ready to quit. Where I felt, if they are not going to fight for me why should I? This is hard! I was done fighting. Done therapy, done trying to get better.

Thankfully, I don’t stay long in this thinking space.

April 1,2025

The good stuff continues…

On Wednesday March 19th I went with occupational therapy out for breakfast. Because of the way the day was going, we weren’t really sure what the plan was going to be. For me it was super important to get into a car with someone other than Matt and Tammy. I mean, I’m pretty confident in my abilities with both of them. Of course, I don’t give myself enough credit, thinking they are helping more than they really are. I often think I’m too weak to..

So, the process of getting in and out of the car is pretty much a confidence boost, almost immediately.

The 2 coolest things, and there were more than I will share, we went to my favorite breakfast restaurant in our tiny resort town…Morning Star. AND Jamie found a parking spot right in front of the door…I mean right in front! I walked into the restaurant! Walked into a public place! WALKED! I do have to wear an Ankle Foot Orthotic (AFO), use a cane and wear a “cool people belt”. Oh, and I can’t go anywhere by myself, but I walked from the road into the restaurant and to the table.

I sat in their chair! We left the wheelchair in the car. I was able to give the waiter my order, speech therapy-it was crazy loud in the building. But he did not ask me to repeat my order, or anything. No small moves of questioning eye brows or anything. They had salted caramel flavored coffee as the house coffee, so I ordered some…

So, in all honesty, I don’t like that my eyes are so diffrent. Or that smiles are hard for me. I often wonder if you can tell I’m enjoying a conversation…I mean smiling is hard.

Here’s Jamie, my occupational therapist.

And my favorite breakfast ever! One of my very close friend brought me some shortly after I came home, but that was the last time. My guess is it had been over 6 years since I’ve had this breakfast.

Needless to say, I was very happy, and pretty chatty too. My speech therapist would have been pretty proud. I not only ordered breakfast, I talked to a couple at the next table over.

Then when we were done I walked back to the car.

I was smiles all day!

THEN, on Friday, Tammy and I met a friend at Toast and Jams. Unlike Morning Star located in the buildings downtown, this resturant was in a stand alone building. So, the handicapped parking, while close, was still pretty far away. But, now I knew I could walk into a public building, why should I stop if the walk was a little longer?!?

I’m NOT fast, but with slow and steady steps I made it into the building and to the table. Again, I sat in their chair. That is actually a huge deal. There was a time when I had no ab control or much muscle to even allow me to sit up. So, to be able to sit in a chair that doesn’t have arm rests is a big deal.

There are so many things that I never even gave a second thought to before the accident.

Again, I was able to order and be understood. Tammy didn’t need to translate for me. Again, I often don’t believe I can be understood, no matter how hard I try.

I was able to carry on a conversation with my friend Sarah.

*My eye and smile look better here. Maybe I wasn’t trying as hard.*

It was wonderful to spend the morning with a woman who I’ve known for so long. It really blessed my heart so much when she said I was the same person that I was before. I haven’t heard that I’m terribly diffrent. But, sometimes I feel so diffrent. Unseen, so it was great to feel seen and heard from someone who doesn’t spend hours and days with me now.

In the weeks that have followed, I continue to impress myself with my ability. I have probably annoyed my physical therapist by asking her “4 years ago, did you ever imagine me being able to do this?” She and I have worked together 4 years, so she has seen the growth. I love listening to her talk, because it feels like she’s talking about someone else she is proud of. It’s hard to believe I have moved pasted expected lifelong handicaps.

Yesterday, in physical therapy I may have hit a new personal best for number of feet I’ve walked. And so here I stand again…with who I was on one side, what I hope to be on the other, and a crazy middle road where I’m trying not to get too down on bad days. Because, on good days I’m walking into resturants.

It took me so long to write this because the really big moments make me so tired both physically but more so mentally. This is a good picture of the new middle…

Life has been good here! I am looking forward to warmer weather and softball games…and a musical! Hopefully it won’t take so long to update, but you never know. Thanks for stopping by!👋

♡TeamGavrilides ♡TBI Survivor ♡Faith to walk in the middle ♡Seed of Hope