Tues. Aug 22

It’s hard for me to believe it’s only been six years since our accident, and yet also feel like already 6 years?

I was challenged by my speech therapist today to write about how I am feeling today, about this anniverasry. It felt doable this morning during therapy but because of the last few weeks I hit a wall of tiredness this afternoon and had to nap. This year has the added stress of school starting tomorrow.

I wanted to finish the 2nd part of the camping post, but this seemed important too. So just in case you thought I’d forgotten about finishing up, I haven’t. I’m just finding my schedule…just exausting.

I find that I am in a better place emotionally this year than I have been in the last few years. Partially because of some of the progress I’ve made this summer. I don’t want to share too much in this update because I really have been working on the second part of the last post. So I won’t share. 😊 Sorry.

I also believe that a lot of the change is the healing from the stupid brain injury. Every so often I just feel more aware or awake in just everyday stuff. It’s not very often I feel like I’m sleep walking through my life anymore. Although I do still have moments or days. It usually doesn’t happen if I am good about taking naps or brain breaks, where I shut out the stimuls and relax for 20 minutes or so. I am not really good about either of them. So, I usually crash after a week of not taking the time to rest.

Unforuntily, that was today. At about noon my brain and body just shut down. I am hopeful I can at least get some good thoughts out before I need to call it a day.

If you have heard our stoy before I’m sorry, but I’m going to revisit it again.

Six years ago, similar to this year, we had a child going into the school year as a freshman. Mamas, I think this transition may be harder on us than our kids. Six years ago, on the 21st, we had a child who had a scoccer game, and it was brutitly hot. Yesterday was vollyball and also bruitly hot. Six years ago my husband, Matt and I opted to go home and celebrate our wedding annivery the next evening on the 22 of August. On our way to dinner we were hit and spun and hit again.

Our lives changed forever that day. It wasn’t a change I would even begin to be aware of for about a month. Even after what I call waking up I didn’t understand how bad I had been injured. I am still learning that I don’t understand the crazyness of the recovery for my biggest injury, my brain injury.

It has taken the complete emptyness of my pride to admit to myself how devastating that injury alone is. I think part of me writing this is to help me give myself grace. I talk about how much I need to do that but I am so bad about actually giving me the room. I talked with my therapists, well for sure this speech therpist, how if I was talking with a firend, I would be mad at her for treating herself so poorly.

I am a stickler for giving credit where credit is due. Life is hard. Kids, no kids. Job or no job. Everyone’s life is hard especially when you are walking through it. Finances are hard, marrige is hard. Single life is hard. So often we get it in our head that onther’s life is easier because they have what I want. Really, being human is hard.

Sometimes, though, self addimitatly, I am left feeling like less than human. A baby, is often the best way to express the way I often feel.

Ok, that is a little heavier than I wanted to go tonight. I don’t honestly feel that way tonight, so let’s not go there this time.

So this morning, during some therapy time I was laying on the huge therapy mat table we have in our home. I was using this awesome mat that stretches my back using air. To get up I need to pull my left leg up. Going from straightt to bent so I could push off with that leg to roll to my right side to sit up.

Laying there on my back after the mat let me know with a beep it was done, I wasn’t sure my hamstring would even work. I had tried to move it without much luck while in bed in the morning. So I wasn’t really hopeful it would move. BUT it DID MOVE! It wasn’t fast but nothing I do is fast now. I was able to bend it, way more than I thought possible. You guys sersiouly, I felt like it was barely moving but then I set my foot down. I was thinking any centimeters I gained when I set my tennis shoed foot down would be a win. But it wasn’t centimeters it was much more! My knee was bent. So little bit by little bit using the stickyness of my shoes to hold my place I was able to pull that leg up enough to use it to start my roll over. Again someting I was not confident I would be strong enough to do that so I could push with my legs, let alone if my core would help roll over. I often thought low about myself before the accident and injuries but it was needless, but after…it has just taken time to remind myself I am more capable than my pride will let me believe.

So, to have the ability to really move my leg up into a bent position was awesome!! There are so many moments where I think, “who would have thought _____ would be so much work.” Repeating thoughts, I could see my bent leg and wonder of all wonders I was strong enough to push and use the little push to engange my core and…roll over onto my right side!!!

Then…then I was able to sit up! Using my right arm of course but actully feeling the diffrent muscles on the left side engage…it was really AWESOME!!! It took a minute to recover. I’m not used to sitting up from that direction and that streching mat takes some getting use to. In good way.

I’m not sure I was able to explain why I was so happy.

Sunday Aug 27 Four days later…

Story of my life, always starting never finishing, yeasterday morning I had a moment when getting out of bed, I tried to reach across my body to the left side and couldn’t reach. I had to adjust my wheelchair a few times before I was at a good angle to actually reach the remote.

Here I was being presented with a movement in my mind that should be no problem but left me feeling defetted. Then I opened this post and read what I had been writing. Man, there have been moments in our 19 (wowzers) years of marriage where Matt will speak some words of wisdom, I had spoken to him about something he was stressing on (because we all know I’m the wisest in our relationship 🙄🤣). Hearing him repeat the words would send me into tears, because I really knew what I needed to do. Which over and over in my life has been “Be still, and know that I am God.” Psm 46:10. So many times in my life I have tried to do something when I needed to wait. It just wasn’t time…yet.

I was so encouraged by my words. 😍

The last 6 years have been so heavy that honestly I am in wonder at how we have done it. I have thought about that too. After talking with a very, very dear friend this week, I am left just in a state of…Only God has gotten us through this season. Honestly it’s nowhere near over. There is still so much healing and strengh that can return. But if that doesn’t happen, I am finding joy and contentment where I am. I’m not done trying for more, but there is something so sweet and simple in the joy and contenment that I have…for now. Where I am now is really good, not perfect but perfectly messy. Just the way I like it. 😍

Sunday Sept 10

Wow, I have not been good about getting these out! Thank you for reading!!

♡TeamGavrilides ♡TBI Survivor ♡Faith to walk in the middle ♡Seed of Hope