So I feel a bit like I dropped of the blog world after the last post. So I’m sorry. I had some really good ideas of things I wanted to share and then life hit. Circumstances of what still feels like a new life. I’m not sure I will get into that too much in this post, but you never know. Neither do I until I’m done writing.

And that in and of itself is part of what has hit me so hard. So, I guess maybe I will share a little about my emotional, dumb thinking that causes friction within my marriage. Sorry Matt! I really do love and appreciate you. Those days, weeks/months, are really a refection of the condition of my heart.

When “reality” tv came out, we, or at least I did, enjoyed watching different shows. There wasn’t one show I really HAD to see the night it came out. I was busy with littles. But, I would watch when I was by myself. I mean, Matt didn’t really care for anything that didn’t involve sports ball in one way or another.

I didn’t watch with envy, wanting everything they had, but seeing their struggles just seemed nice to me. In the way that “wow, they have that problem too. I thought I was the only one who felt/thought/reacted that way.” Often in those shows, at least early ones I remember, the couples started out happy. Happier than we were at any given time. How did that many people have houses that big or swimming pools or drive fancy cars when all we ever saw them do was drink wine and sit around someone’s pool all day? I barely had time for a shower and a cup of coffee all day.

I wasn’t raised in a large family. So, the normal interactions that happen within families, I didn’t have much experience with. We lived hours and hours away from family. So even the interactions with cousins, aunts, and uncles wasn’t something I got to experience until being almost an adult. So, it was comforting…maybe, comforting, shouldn’t be the right word, but it “feels” reassuring. (I always in my head want to put the quotation marks around the word feels. A very dear friend participated in a Bible study and after conversations with her, I now stumble over the word. Maybe it will come up again.) After a while of watching the “reality” show, the perfect polish started to wear off and some real issues were seen, or at least, written in. Allowing all of us “normal” people to “feel” (that word again) that they were relatable. Sometimes anyway. There were many times I would just question if I would be willing to be spoken to or treated that way. But I probably would have. I struggle with being a people pleaser and middle child. I just want to help, mend bridges when I see them. It has caused me to be in some hurtful relationships. Both friendships and dating.

All this rambling leads to this thought I have often as I watch my kids on social media, “have reality” shows paved the way for my kids to want to be YouTube or TikTok stars. Not understanding how hard it is to really put yourself out there. Where anyone and everyone has some opinion. So many times they “feel” like it’s a right to share their opinion regardless of who or how it can hurt.

I have been really blessed that during this horrible season in my family’s life, we have only gotten support. Especially as I have continued to share our struggles. But I am for sure leaving, maybe unfairly, my family to the opinions of others. Which probably bothers me more than Matt. I like to think, and fool myself that I can fix/mend bridges, or love someone through their problems. But, despite what I tell myself, wanting to believe whole heartedly, that if things in their lives get better, it’s not about me. Not about what I said or did or didn’t. It’s about their response to my “advice”. Because I have had no training in life to help anyone else.

Writing this blog is me being real transparent and vulnerable to you. I think I took my vulnerability of pride in the last few post way too hard. Instead of releasing my words and allowing them to just be what they were, words and experiences of things that I am walking in. Sometimes, when I am posting things, its days after walking, or really rolling, through a situation. Sometimes, I am still working through the midst of it.

Often, it is another level of living grief. That stinking thing rears it’s ugly face and lies so much more often than I would like to admit. After a few weeks where I could feel something growing inside my heart, I needed to do something. I knew what was coming wasn’t going to be good, but I knew I needed to face it now, rather than later.

I was at physical therapy, we are really lucky to have most therapy at our home except PT. Rehabilitation buildings have different ways to exercise. A big draw for me was for walking. There are only so many laps I can do through the hallways of our ranch style house.

So, a few weeks ago I was walking inside the PT building. The hallways are not as long as the hallways of the rehab hospital where I started outpatient therapy, but the sticky office carpet will cause a slower pace. I have to convince my brain that it’s just carpet no huge stepping block, which can take a few minutes. Although, walking into our bathroom the other day my foot landed on the little bit of wooden strip in-between the rooms. Not sure I ever noticed it was even there before the accident . In the first few years, heck until a few months ago, this tripped me up every time I crossed it. It felt like a huge thing I had to step over. In my mind, I was lifting my leg and foot to my chin only to be stopped mid stride by this huge stumbling block. Literally a stumbling block.

I have only come to understand the perception of what I “feel” and think is not true. My perception of the door jams was so off. I have to take that thought and give myself grace over almost every interaction or therapy I have.

When I first started outpatient therapy I was so weak. I thought I was as strong as before. Still had not totally come to grips that I had a head injury that caused me to need to relearn basic skills. Like rolling over.

I started to wonder again, as I get into my imagination, and lose track of where I was headed. So one day during physical therapy I came up with what has been something I have said over and over again in the last 5 years. I and my girls made a mug for my therapist with this saying on it that year for Christmas.

Don’t think, just walk

If I started to really think about all the muscles I had to move I would start to stumble. No joke, there is so much to think about when you are walking. Especially when you are trying to use the correct muscles. There is a difference between throwing your leg forward or even swinging it out to the side and around to the front. I keep thinking about the pirate movies where there is always one with a peg leg. I could walk that way for the rest of my life and be so content and happy I could walk at all, but if my body is still trainable, then why not try to work those hip flexors more. Butt cheeks clenched, hips lead the way… so much to remember in a calculated fall (aka walking).

I found myself saying this again at physical therapy and again in occupational therapy.

Don’t think just walk

Or in OT it was don’t think just stand. I’m sure as I continue to post about my recovery I will continue to share how crazy it is to realize how many muscles it takes to do something as simple as walk or stand.

So I think how all of this ties together for me…I will continue to share my craziness of this life by doing this…don’t think just walk…one step. One difficult foot in front of the other. One breath, one second at a time.

Don’t think just walk

I designed a shirt for this thought or encouragement for me. But if you would like one too I’ll post the link.

One last thought, March was Traumatic Brain Injury month. I had so much I wanted to post and do but depression took over and I let it. As far as I can tell, the “color” of ribbons is sometimes green and sometimes blue. Plus I had so many other injuries I just decided I would do a mix of colors. I am hope every month I can bring a little awareness to Traumatic Brain Injuries and more…so

Don’t think just walk

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