Matt and I fell into a serious and sticky situation. Our car accident was in August 2017 in Michigan. If you live in Michigan you know car insurance was different then than it is now. It was then under No Fault. I am not sure I still really understand all the ins and outs we had with it, or were supposed to have with it, but we lost some income.

I hate to do this at all, there is so much pride in all of this. So often after a visit to my doctor, I am saddened and pushed to speak out. I want to add the word “more” to the end of that sentence, but to be perfectly honest I haven’t really spoken out at all.

I don’t like to think about my voice in this area, because I don’t have one. I remember a few news stories that aired before I got out of Mary Free Bed. They would be about how these people had survived horrid accidents, made amazing recoveries and now were raising money/awareness to help others in similar situations. I didn’t do any of that. Before the accident I’m not sure you could convinced me that it would take me 5+ years before I got started being comfortable enough to share.

Listening to the staff at my doctor’s office really just breaks my heart. If our accident had happened after the law change…we would be responsible, monetarily for …When I think about the what ifs, that gets really heavy too. Doctors are not able to treat patients the way they had been able to. Half a million dollars goes out so fast post accident. Not to mention the lasting scars…care needed to just live.

There is a whole post along this thought line coming. So I don’t want to get to distracted here, but I need help to do…pretty much everything and my doctor’s opinion of my needing 24 hour care isn’t important enough for the insurance company to do what we had been paying for, in case the worst ever happened. It came way too close. Ugg…sorry it makes me so opinionated.

I’ve always been a text book over sharer. (I know I have said this before and will say over and over again.) Much to the frustration of my husband. Men, I think, just tend to not need to share their junk with anyone who would listen. But dang it, I need to hash things out with another voice rather than the one in my head. Because let’s be honest, I’m mean to me.

I have found talking and writing helps so much for me. I have thought to myself that I will need to burn my journals before I leave this earth. No one wants to read all that selfishness. And then I think I have nothing to worry about. Our children can’t read cursive handwriting. I wrote something out for one of my children and they offered to just scan it into their phone and let the internet tell them what I wrote. It’s a little like having my own written language.

It’s a little weird being this age. Old enough to have some experience in life. Like claiming to have walked to school uphill both ways and yet not being old enough for that to actually be true. I believe I am at a place where I know I don’t have all the answers just an idea of what hurts a little more if given options.

How does that relate to cursive handwriting? It’s all the old people use so our kids don’t actually know how whiney and selfish I am/was. Good gravy, I really just wanted to say there isn’t a ton of great kids stories in my journals. I always started out the year determined to write more about the daily activities of the kids than my problems and very quickly that got forgotten.

AND back to the point, sorry. So medically my doctor says I need 24 hour care. But because our auto insurance was allowed to reduce the amount they pay the family, in my case Matt is my care giver, but because he’s family and the laws changed in 2019, they only have to pay for 56 hours a week. So even though I need care 24 hours a day, just because, like it or not I am paralyzed. I can’t do much of anything without help. More about this is coming.

The law change changes our lives immensely. Matt doesn’t make the minimum wage a newbie in healthcare would make now and insurance gets to dictate what kind of care I need and for how long. So, in theory, Matt has 8 hours a day where he doesn’t get paid to help me should I need it. Eight hours to take care of our children and do shopping…all the things parents do, but he has to work it all out so I have the care I need, and he does the family, and parent stuff we would be doing together.

I hate talking about this, it makes me so angry and frustrated and down right sad. Before the accident I could get a job if needed but now…I have thoughts about posts that after I do all my daily therapy exercises I find I’m exhausted and can’t write. And the worst part…I’m, medically, not likely to get better. Brain injuries are an odd injury. Nobody really knows how much recovery I will have.

Sorry I got a little whiny there. After chatting with my amazing sister, Melody, I thought maybe we could find a way to show support to others, spreading a little love as you “bump” into people. But also a way for me to feel a little more like I am helping my family instead of being a drain. So I am attaching a link for some items I created for Immeasurable-Love. Check it out for some ways to donate to our family, and hopefully beyond our family. https://immeasurablelove.printify.me/products

The title of this post. So important for me in sharing the “store” link. I was reading Exodus17:15.

Exodus 17:15English Standard Version

¹⁵ And Moses built an altar and called the name of it, The Lord Is My Banner,

I have read or heard this a lot. I mean, my walk with the Lord has had many moments where I would stand behind this imagery. To me it is super powerful to be able to stand behind the banner. The banner of the name Jesus.

But this week I looked up the word banner. Of course I ended up going down the Google/rabbit hole and ended up reading an explanation of the Old Testament context for the word banner. Hang with me for just a little bit longer.

The description, that I wasn’t able to find during the typing of this post, was simply it was lifted up during battle so if a soldier got confused about what they were fighting for, they could look up and be reminded. I have never understood fighting for something the way I am learning how to fight and trust. I am not sure I really have words to describe the fighting that I do right now. So often right now it’s reminding myself God’s promises to me.

At different times in my life, depending on the battle, I walked with different banners from the Lord. Maybe it was grace or peace. I would pray that grace would go before me and cover me. But, in reading the explanation of banner, I had a vision, I saw myself in battle. Weary, out of breath, struggling to remember why I was fighting. It would be so much easier to just lay down and just surrender. Give up. Surely that would just be simple. I had no fight left within me. Right before I gave up and sat down, I looked up. There to the left I could see the banner, it refreshed my spirit to continue to push through.

There was just a stillness within me. It allowed the Peace of God to just wash over me. Both in my imagination, and the image on the banner…

My sister and I had been working on the image for a while before I read that verse in Exodus. I really had no idea that I was working on a banner I would need to lay my eyes on when life got hard. And life is hard. God is bigger and more subtle in the way He loves us. Preparing our hearts before making moves. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me.

If you would like to donate check out the stuff I have designed. If this is not your banner, in this season of life I completely understand. I am so thankful we walk through different seasons of life at different times. But you are welcome to come battle in this Immeasurable-Love.

#TeamGavrilides TBI survivor