The last few weeks have been very, very interesting inside our home. With the start of the new year there is a hope, that maybe this will be the year. The year of what, I’m not sure.

Last week I had the honor of being interviewed for a podcast from Kathryn over at Unstoppable Joy.  https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-ku6sg-13787f4

I was so nervous to talk with her for so many reasons. The biggest one was just meeting and talking to someone who has no history to me. Although I’m not sure how we didn’t run into each other, until now. Kathryn, had been told by her fiancé, Joe, about my blog. Having worked with people with injuries similar to mine, she had a lot of great questions. I’m so grateful Joe thought highly enough about what I have shared to send it to anyone blows me away. But for him to share it with Kathryn…God was so involved there.

So we set up a Zoom call. I had asked so many of my friends to pray for me. I like to talk. It is much harder to do today because of the accident and my Aphasia, often connected with a stroke. Speaking is a much, much more complicated skill than I ever knew. If you know this speech fact you probably know someone who has, in some way or another, had speech therapy.

Up until that Zoom call I had only really talked for about 30 minutes. I have read out loud, imitating the randomness of conversation for about 15 minutes. I have had days where I might talk more with my family but because they are used to talking to me, I often fall into what is called pidgin speak.

I just looked up that term just, making sure I had it right. I just have to share what it says, it’s pretty funny.

What is Pidgin speak?

A pidgin /ˈpɪdʒɪn/, or pidgin language, is a grammatically simplified means of communication that develops between two or more groups of people that do not have a language in common: typically, its vocabulary and grammar are limited and often drawn from several languages.

Pidgin – Wikipedia

“…people who do not have a common language.” This makes me smile. I had a nurse tech who once asked me if I was trying to tell her I wanted a Ferrari. It use to crack us up. But it’s so sad, I had no idea that she really couldn’t understand me. I mean I had been speaking English the whole time I was at Mary Free Bed. I’m sure of it. I have learned that I am typically quite now. It was one of the things we have worked so hard on. It is my understanding that when there is Aphasia the person with the Aphasia often thinks that they are yelling biased on the level of words or voice in their heads. I can’t explain how loud my voice was in my head. For a long time I felt like I was yelling at my therapists.  Of course they play off that and want to be yelled at.

Even thought I was told daily about the injuries, I didn’t understand. Eventually one of my therapists recorded me speaking. Oh boy did that change things. I write that now and I just kind of chuckle. I still have to use  strategies that I’ve learned to speak loudly and clearly enough to be understood. I am sadly setting my heart and mind that in all likelihood I will have to do this for the rest of my natural life.

BUT…Kathryn understood me!!! Bless her! I’m sure there where moments where she had to think about what I was saying, BUT I pretty much talked for an hour. When I get excited or emotional I naturally speed up and squish my words together. I don’t remember her asking me often to repeat myself, and it’s my story!

She asked me a lot of really good questions. One stuck with me. One reason was maybe because it is pretty close to where we ended the interview. The other reason is that it felt like the thought provoking questions my very dear friend Dana use to ask me. She had this really great way of asking why. It defiantly grew on me, the question. What was the core message of my sharing with you on this blog?

I woke the very next morning with an answer. This was not where I thought this post was going today. I was thinking I would share eventually, but now that we’re here let’s keep going.

Why am I writing this blog? Sharing my struggles and face planted falls? I don’t really think I have much to share. It’s crazy that I still even think that way. I know that when a friend or family member had a struggle I would not dismiss their problems or concerns with as much flippancy as I do my own. So let me say I’m sorry for trying to dismiss myself.

The answer to Kathryn’s why is the Love of God. I have believed the lie that I am not loveable. The list of “I’m not…” could go on forever, at least for me it could. I have been given a story and perspective that hopefully you can be encouraged by.

Friday morning I woke up thinking about the core thread in my life with God. When I was 17, I moved out of my parents home in North Carolina and moved to Michigan. I had a few life changing encounters with God where He began to speak to me of the difference between my earthly father and my heavenly Father. When we, my husband and children, moved from one city to another God continued to love and show me how He loved me. Including placing me in small groups with men my fathers age. Which allowed for conversations where I could see the heart of a grown man hurt by years of being told his daughter was broken, it was his fault. I saw how much he loved his daughter. I heard him say time and again he had done the best job he could at the time. It was during this season that God really began to soften my heart towards my parents. They did the best they could. I could hold on to the unintended hurt inflicted on me or I  could choose to understand that like me, they made bad decisions in a moment never intending it to cut me so deep. I have hated that look of hurt in my children’s eyes from day one.

Ok so I kinda forgot where I was going with all this. Immeasurable Love

The move away from my parents was very hard, but very needed. I moved in with my aunt and uncle, eventually. The way they loved their family was beautiful! Living in their house under their rules, I don’t think there were many. I began to fall in love with God in ways I hadn’t even known were an option. Super religiously said 🙄 I joined the worship band. No big deal you think, but for someone who had attended a church without one most of her life that was loving God in a new way.

So I think I shared that my mom passed away in December, then my uncle last month, and death has a way of making you step back and think about what your focus is on. My last post was very much what God has been teaching me over the last 24 years in Michigan. But Kathryn’s why question had me thinking back to the small functions I had been able to be a part of over the past 24 years.

There are 2 that really stick out to me as my heartbeat, if you will, for God’s Kingdom and that was a Prayer conference I had honor of being apart of the planning for and a small group, women’s retreat. My friend, Dana was the leader of a small group that she hosted at her home. We, my family and I, were new to the church. So of course I once again felt like the crazy church lady. Although in defense of the group of ladies, they never treated me that way. They were always very supportive of my craziness. Somehow Dana and I got to talking about how much I missed going away for a retreats. Honestly, I think I have been to 5 or less. And never did have the honor of planning or being a part of the planning.

The beauty of planning for a women’s retreat is just that. Asking the group members to serve in whatever way they are gifted for. I have never been a Martha, always a Mary. Thankfully, these ladies didn’t have to rely on me for planning meals, shelter, transportation…I just got to do my Mary thing and share what God had been sharing with me.

Dana really encouraged me to share what God had put on my heart. We, did so many things, from worship to laughter, together that, that trip will always have such a love attached to it. These women trusted me to speak into their lives. Wow! I’m seriously still overwhelmed by the honor I felt then and still feel every time I get to share God stuff with anyone who will listen.

I shared the story in John 4, the woman at the well. My whole encouragement was just in how very much Jesus loved us, as seen played out in this story. Without preaching at you, I will just let you know it was so good. The feed back from the ladies was so sweet. Again I was so honored just to be there, their feed back was just a bonus. I sound so gooshy, totally made up that word, because that was really my heart. I got to participate in planning and praying for this group of beautiful women. I was just wanting them to have a deeper, richer relationship with our Lord.

The other event was a prayer conference at our church. I was so honored to be trusted to reach out to an amazing woman of God who came from Texas to Michigan to just release seeds of prayer, that we still get to see the fruit of. Again so honored.

I read a definition of a prophet last month in a daily devotional by Jennifer LeClaire’s book The Prophet’s Devotional. It says, a prophet’s primary task is to equip believers to hear the voice of the Lord and cultivate an intimacy with God that propels them to their destiny. I have never heard this definition before but this is how I would describe my heart. I have felt this pull on my life for years but didn’t have words to fully explain it.

So my “Why” is really about you. I get really achy in my heart if I am not trying to encourage others somehow. So I know this post has been long, but it hope it brought some light and hope into your life today. I’m sure my “Why” will grow and change so there maybe a Why 2.0 eventually. I hope you get a chance to listen to Kathryn’s pod casts too! I have found them to be very encouraging! Thank you for reading this far!